Stress does weird things to your brain, well maybe not everyones but certainly mine. I write this three days before I leave for India and ok I left quite a few things to the last minute and I'd be a bit stressed out even if I hadn't buuut the little things just keep getting to me.
The positive of this is that when this post is published I'll be in Thailand with elephants which is wonderfully without stress and that's something to look forward to. But for now I need this stress to get out of my head a little bit so I can finish all my stuff, and I think writing about it might help a bit.


Of course it's all the silly little things causing my stress, like the fact that my go pro won't update and I'm worried about it refusing to take video while I'm away, and about not having enough memory cards. I'm stressed about the fact there's a load of my stuff in my mum's office that I have two days to sort out and get out, and I don't want to disappoint her or cause her the trouble of getting rid of it herself. I'm worried I don't have anything together or organised, and to be honest that's kind of true because I don't really know where I'm going to be half the time I'm there; I mean it's all booked so I'm just going to turn up. And of course any time I'm stressed out I just worry that I'm not good enough and there's no point to half the things I do (thanks brain). 
But despite all of these (well most of these) things being very small stresses, some of them rather silly things to be stressed about. My brain has got itself into a pickle and caused knot of anxiety that's formed just below my ribcage and is messing with everything.
 The problem with my brain is that once I get a bit of stress, and don't get it under control it tends to spiral. Despite the fact the rational part of my brain is going "uh you can sort this and even if you don't, it doesn't actually matter" the panic alarm has already been pushed.
My body and a lot of my brain are (metaphorically) running around with their arms in the air like there's a fire while the rest of me sits here finding it very hard to get on with the things that I need to; it's like someone is shouting in your ear while you're trying to concentrate. And this causes more stress. Stressed about being stressed, ridiculous but true.
And when a situation comes up like, someone asking me a question, or maybe something appearing that adds to my stress I sometimes don't know which part of my brain is going to react. The rational part will be like "right respond to the question, be nice to this person that will be the best course of action" or I could get the panic part of my brain that's like "aksjhakdjhlksjdfhkadfs aaaaaah" and wouldn't know how to respond reasonably if it's life depended on it.
I'm normally extremely chilled but if I'm having a very stressed out day I'll get irritated by everything. Like right now I can hear my dad's cutlery against his plate two floors down and it's annoying me.
 Now I know this is all really ridiculous, and also it is possible to get it under control. But when you're having a panic attack reason and control aren't easy to make the dominant force. Especially when the panic is making me space out and forgetfull. And ok this isn't a full blown hyperventilating panic attack but I have gotten to the point where most of the time I can more or less stop my brain going into that spiral of fun and am just left with the knot in my stomach and the running around in my head.
Writing this has helped a lot though. Trying to rationalise the situation and just sitting down and concentrating on one thing works. Before this I tried some good ol' harvest moon which just got me frustrated because I couldn't remember where in the game I was, and then I tried listening to music but my brain decided it didn't like noise either.
And that was basically the point of this post. To tell myself that I don't have to keep panicking. That little knot of stress with probably stay there but if I can get my brain under control and calm and get some of my to do list out of the way then everything will be ok.
And that's do able. You can't control your emotions but you can learn to cope with them when they rudely interrupt an otherwise very chilled out week. And at the end of the day my brain stressed isn't the true me, all the thoughts I mentioned before about being "not enough" or generally crap are only there because I'm stressed out and I don't need to dwell on them.
And this is nothing compared to the last time I went away, I'm like this three days before I leave and before Costa Rica I think i was permanently in a state of stress and panic for about two weeks before I left. So progress is progress and I'm happy about that.
Plus as I said before by the time I post this I'll be in Thailand with elephants so why worry about anything.  I know I will figure it out on the end, I always do. I'll have an amazing time, I'll come back mentally healthier and all that wonderful jazz. 
Anyway I hope this post wasn't too panicky and you enjoyed it. I'll see you in next weeks post.
Thanks for reading!