The positive of this is that when this post is published I'll be in Thailand with elephants which is wonderfully without stress and that's something to look forward to. But for now I need this stress to get out of my head a little bit so I can finish all my stuff, and I think writing about it might help a bit.
Of course it's all the silly little things causing my stress, like the fact that my go pro won't update and I'm worried about it refusing to take video while I'm away, and about not having enough memory cards. I'm stressed about the fact there's a load of my stuff in my mum's office that I have two days to sort out and get out, and I don't want to disappoint her or cause her the trouble of getting rid of it herself. I'm worried I don't have anything together or organised, and to be honest that's kind of true because I don't really know where I'm going to be half the time I'm there; I mean it's all booked so I'm just going to turn up. And of course any time I'm stressed out I just worry that I'm not good enough and there's no point to half the things I do (thanks brain).
But despite all of these (well most of these) things being very small stresses, some of them rather silly things to be stressed about. My brain has got itself into a pickle and caused knot of anxiety that's formed just below my ribcage and is messing with everything.
My body and a lot of my brain are (metaphorically) running around with their arms in the air like there's a fire while the rest of me sits here finding it very hard to get on with the things that I need to; it's like someone is shouting in your ear while you're trying to concentrate. And this causes more stress. Stressed about being stressed, ridiculous but true.
And when a situation comes up like, someone asking me a question, or maybe something appearing that adds to my stress I sometimes don't know which part of my brain is going to react. The rational part will be like "right respond to the question, be nice to this person that will be the best course of action" or I could get the panic part of my brain that's like "aksjhakdjhlksjdfhkadfs aaaaaah" and wouldn't know how to respond reasonably if it's life depended on it.
I'm normally extremely chilled but if I'm having a very stressed out day I'll get irritated by everything. Like right now I can hear my dad's cutlery against his plate two floors down and it's annoying me.
Writing this has helped a lot though. Trying to rationalise the situation and just sitting down and concentrating on one thing works. Before this I tried some good ol' harvest moon which just got me frustrated because I couldn't remember where in the game I was, and then I tried listening to music but my brain decided it didn't like noise either.
And that's do able. You can't control your emotions but you can learn to cope with them when they rudely interrupt an otherwise very chilled out week. And at the end of the day my brain stressed isn't the true me, all the thoughts I mentioned before about being "not enough" or generally crap are only there because I'm stressed out and I don't need to dwell on them.
And this is nothing compared to the last time I went away, I'm like this three days before I leave and before Costa Rica I think i was permanently in a state of stress and panic for about two weeks before I left. So progress is progress and I'm happy about that.
Plus as I said before by the time I post this I'll be in Thailand with elephants so why worry about anything. I know I will figure it out on the end, I always do. I'll have an amazing time, I'll come back mentally healthier and all that wonderful jazz.
Anyway I hope this post wasn't too panicky and you enjoyed it. I'll see you in next weeks post.
Thanks for reading!