This time of year always starts to get rough for me, the days are shorter and the lack of light start to impact my mental health. But each year I get better at coping and as part of that process try to keep doing positive things with the more frequent self reflection sessions that happen in this head space. I mean it can definitely be a positive and negative thing. This post is one of them, a little deeper than I've ever done before (because I've never really talked about mental health, but I've been meaning to). And also a bit of a 'fuck you' to those parts of me in the back of my mind telling me I'm not enough, you hear me? I am.
So I thought I'd write a post about insecurities, because we all have them, and I think it's better to look at them and say "you know what. you're ok" to try and get along with them and that;s what I'm trying to achieve here. Firstly by recognising what arts of me I don't like so much and then by trying to accept them and move on. So I'm going to list some, talk about why I have an issue and then try and put it to rest; or at least start to. I've used photos already from posts to really show myself (from looking through the photos) how much I avoid my insecurities to work on that in the future.
Though this post is definitely not a complete list of my insecurities, there are a lot I think I'm not willing to admit very openly at the moment. It's more the ones that I see physically in pictures of myself, and after almost 2 and a half years of frequently taking and editing pictures of myself I've gotten more accustomed to what you could call "flaws" and now want to make peace with them I guess. I hope this post has the positive message intended.
|Getting the side of my head shaved|
The bags under my eyes
I found it a bit hard to find a picture of this one, and I'm not going to lie, it's because I'm quite guilty of photoshopping my bags out; especially on pictures where I'm wearing no foundation.
I feel like I look at a picture and they're all I see, just these dark creases, and they're always there. Often make-up deposits itself from my eyes there too and makes them look worse. I know nobody likes dark circles but I think I have to face the fact that they're there, they always will be. No matter how much sleep I get or how much water I drink, they're a part of my face and there's nothing wrong with that. And I think it's also important to remember that. like I try to photoshop mine out (though I never manage it completely) adverts and other media wear a lot of make-up to cover them and more photoshop than I'd dream of using.So I guess this one's about perspective, they're there, they're natural, they're allowed.
Sorry eye bags, you're not the enemy.
This is a relatively new one, as before I got my top brace off I never used to smile in pictures. I kind of feel like the creases take over my whole face when I smile, my eyes look tiny and my cheeks look slightly like the joker (I do mean slightly). Sometimes I'll avoid using a perfectly good pictures because I'm smiling that little bit too much and the creases under my eyes are taking over or my cheeks are just too far over.
I am also guilty of, in the past, trying to photoshop that out. Though i stopped because it made my face look seriously unnatural. Which makes me realise that's what my face is meant to do, without the creases there would be no room for my smile at all. And I'm not going to lie I love my smile; so I think I can try to live with my face creases for the sake of having my smile with them. And hey maybe if I've learnt to appreciate the beauty of my smile I can see the beauty in them too.
Sorry face creases, you're not the enemy.
|Pride Cymru ootd|
Now I know I don't exactly dress to flatter my waist, I'm a big fan of baggy clothing because I feel it's comfier and I have a lot more room to move. But I feel like even when I do dress with waist hugging clothes, I still look like a have no waist. And I don't have many curves in some of my photos my stomach sticks out and I do generally avoid using those photos. I'm a short person and a lot of my friends who are a lot less petite are about 2 sizes smaller than me, which does make me feel like i'm the wrong proportion for my height sometimes.
And though I try not to be too swayed by advertising and what's 'in fashion' body wise, it's always all around my so I'm bound to be affected by it. So I think this is part of that, the "dream" figure. I see pictures in magazines where I know people have their bodies altered, I know that the pictures of people on tumblr and on their blogs (hey I'm guilty of this) show them at angles that are most flattering to their body . But that doesn't mean I don't feel "frumpy" from tie to time. I have a belly that sticks out a little sometimes, and I think I'm going go have to get used to that fact that that's just how it is and I'm no less beautiful because of that. But mainly i have to get used to the fact that there's no such thing as disproportionate. That people of my height come in all sized and body shapes and one is no less beautiful than the other, just because someone my height is beautiful at a size 4 doesn't mean I'm not beautiful at a size 10.
Sorry middle, you're not disproportionate and you're certainly not the enemy.
|Contact Lense Review|
My uneven eyes
Not as big an insecurity as the rest but again this was hard to find a picture of (seeing a theme here?) because I barely ever take front on photos and if I do I either have one eye out of the picture or my hair covering one. I mean see my selfies for proof. This doesn't always get me, it's just something that I sometimes notice and then can't stop. Apart from the fact that my uneven eyelids (one of them has one crease the other has like three) make it extremely challenging to get eyeliner and eyeshadow right; I feel like my face looks weird with my eyes doing different things. One of my eyebrows is always more raised than the other; one of my eyes squints more; and one is further up than the other. And most people won't even see that but I do. Mainly in selfies, I just think my facial expressions look really unnatural with both my eyes in.
But what I try and keep on reminding myself whenever this insecurity starts niggling is that no one has even eyes, everyone has one eye higher than the other, it's just the way humans are made. And yeah models are picked for their symmetrical faces but it doesn't mean I have no beauty in my uneven face! And at the end of the day no matter what I do, I can't change the ways my eyes are, they're not exactly going anywhere, apart from getting worse vision wise. So at the end of the day what is the point in worrying about something I can't change? May as well try and put my time into thinking about more important things really. And the next time I take a selfie with both my eyes in that, yeah, does make my face look a little wonky I'll post it anyway.
Sorry uneven eyes, you're not the enemy.
|An afternoon in a greenhouse|
My face profile
In case that wasn't clear I mean the view of my face side on. This is by far the biggest insecurity on this list. This is one I have avoided the most and even looking for a photo from a previous post with my full side profile I didn't find one. I just refuse to use them. It's the way my nose bumps in the middle, it looks snarly when i smile too. They way you can see just how downturned my eyelashes and mouth are, you see my face creases from a different angles. it's a load of insecurities all bundled into one, it's like they're all magnified looking at my face from the side and I think this is because I'm not used to seeing it.
I even worry about this one in public, that people are just seeing the side of my face and thinking I'm ugly from that. Ridiculous I know but brains are sometimes like that.
And I've got to be honest I don't know what positive things to say about this, but I'm trying really hard because a) there's no way I'm ending on a downer and b) this is something I really feel I need to tackle.
I think this is a more of a work in progress and I do have a way i want to tackle it which is pretty simple, take and post more pictures of my side profile. Maybe pretend I'm the queen and take photos as if they're going on stamps and coins, do a while series of profile shots with different hair styles. Make it fun. This might not work for everyone with similar insecurities but I think the more I see it the more I can try and find beauty in it. I see the front of my face every day and I've found beauty in that so I'm going to try the same with the side of my face.
And maybe I will end like this, because I think that it's important to recognise (though I know I do) that I still have things to work on, not everything comes at once. That though some issues are a work in progress, I have the tools to deal with that. Though I haven't found the positives in this one yet I have a plan and that's positive too, so I'm not ending on a downer (mission accomplished).
Let me know what you think of this post, would you think of doing something similar? I mean do let me know, and please do send me a link (via this post or email or whatever) if you have done or do a similar post to this. I've been so inspired by so many bloggers recently talking about mental health and flaws and similar topics to this, they warm my heart.
I was also listening to Mary Lambert whilst this post idea popped into my head and she's such an influence and an amazing writer too.
Thanks for reading!